Tuesday, January 12, 2010

the American Idol Dillema

Simon is leaving. Now, the debate begins as to who to bring in to replace him...

I've been approached by fans on occasion that say "you should try out for American Idol". I think it's flattering that someone would say that but the truth is is that I don't have an American Idol singing voice. I have a Chad Cavanaugh, Dead Man Walkin' singing voice.

The people on American Idol have these freakish vocals that transcend normal humanity. The beauty of American Idol is that this gives these people an audience that they would never have. Some of these people are in local bands singing cover songs and originals but never really challenging their voice. Others may be karaoke champs in their hometown and some may have only sung in the shower.

That is until...

Until they have to go before the panel of judges which traditionally have been Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. Last year introduced Ellen DeGeneres. I thought that was odd. I think Ellen has been a wonderful pioneer for her community and is an accomplished comedian, actress, voice actor and talk show host. But judge of musical talent? I hit on this point a bit for a reason. I'm getting to that reason. The reason is this.

Simon Cowell, arguably the backbone of this show and the true embodiment of objectivity and ZERO sugar coating, is leaving. Simon's harsh criticism and acid laced tongue have become legendary. Many reality shows based around a specific talent have followed suit and brought on a judge, typically with the English accent, that really "says what people are thinking but too scared to say". Most of the time coming off as just being flat out mean, his criticism is ultimately what will make this wanna be artist the best they can be.

Now he's gone. Well, after this season anyway. Who will they replace him with? You can't bring in some celebrity who already has a fan base and expect him/her to bring to the show what Simon did. You can't bring in an "American Sweetheart" type and expect people to buy off on the fact that now they're not so sweet. So who do yo bring in? Who... do you... bring in?

I've got an idea. Work with me on this. It would be hilarious! I propose to bring in someone who has no clue about music or talent. I propose to bring in someone who has no problem with crushing peoples' dreams and aspirations. I say they bring in a despot, a cruel, tyrannical leader from one of our enemy nations around the world. A person who wipes his ass with human rights and pisses on the idea of individual freedoms and expression.

Bring in Kim Jong Il or Ahmadinejad.

Every time a hopeful Idol would come before the panel to sing, the judges would give their feedback as such:

Randy: "yo, dog, I really feel you on that song. You really hit the notes. I got you right here" Pounding his chest with his fist.

The hopeful nods his head and smiles, saying "thank you"

Ellen: "Ya know I think you've got a real gift there, kiddo! I'm gonna have to book you on my show after this is done"

The hopeful nods his head and smiles, saying "thank you"


Wouldn't that be hilarious??? They would replace Simon AND turn it up a notch.

And now, I leave you with this: Phonetic isn't. Good day.

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