Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Blackmail Situation Consultants, Esq.

John Stamos is being blackmailed by a couple with photos of him for $700,000. Who came up with this number???

It's just about every week you hear about a celebrity of some sort being blackmailed by some opportunist person or couple. They were either at a party together and took compromising photos or they shot photos of them paparazzi style or just flat out stole their SideKick and are gonna publish everything in it if the victim doesn't pay.

Have you ever wondered where they come up with the dollar figure? I do. I wonder did they go to see someone about this. Did they look up "blackmail consultants" in the yellow pages and come across a law firm that specializes in this field. Or maybe they have a commercial that's on at 3am. Because if I wanted the business of blackmailers, I'd advertise to them at 3am. Because it's after Midnight. And we all know that nothing good happens after midnight. 3am is after midnight. Then again, if you wanna get technical, 2:30 in the afternoon is also after midnight. Let's not digress.

So this opportunistic couple is up watching infomercials at 3am, brand new shots of a celebrity they just met that they may or may not have slipped a roofie to in order to get them to get in to the compromised position, and the conversation starts. Should we create a scrapbook? Should we photoshop our heads on to these celebrities bodies? Then a commercial comes on, and it's like a message from the blackmail gods! It's Blackmail Consultants, Esq to the rescue! Also known as BS Consultants, Esq., they go on to tell you in true Billy Mays fashion how they can get you different sums of money! Depending on the photos taken of course. Their team of crack mathematicians have been in a lab under ground devising a formula to calculate the exact amount a hard working, honest extortioner should receive for "preventing" these celebrities from image tarnishment. Image tarnishment is a copywritten BS (Blackmail Situation) term used to describe the effect damaging photos ca have on a celebrities career.

However, the X factor is always that these so called damaging photos can also help a fabricated celebrity launch a new life to their career. A career that shouldn't exist in the first place. You known, people who are famous only because they are famous... for being caught in compromising situations. In this case, the celebrity can charge the blackmailer under the guys of giving them exposure for their amateur work.

Either way, blackmail is f***ing stupid. In this day and age it'll just get you in big trouble and make you out for the douche bag you are for trying to infringe on people's lives for your own personal gain. Stop being lazy. Stop trying to launch yourself from someone else's coat tails and stop taking advantage of people.

I guess the moral that would be taken away from this is "don't be a douche". Unless of course you are an actual douche, like Summer's Eve or Massengil. You both serve a purpose.

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