Saturday, May 22, 2010

Target Market

One would assume that I might be speaking about Target...

There are times when I can't sleep or I'm woken suddenly, as abruptly as a body decelerates if falling from a building and hitting pavement. Sorry, couldn't think of a better way to describe it. That is what I was trying to avoid this morning when I woke up at 3:30am. Deceleration trauma. What a horrible nightmare that was. Clinging to a slippery mattress at the edge of a 60 or so story building. Freaking out, on the verge of a heart attack.

Years ago, I would have these and wake up and turn on the TV. It was then that I would ponder the question, "who the hell is the target market for this infomercial???"

3:30 in the morning and a 30 minute commercial for male enhancement pills is on. There is a panel discussing its proven formula. Really? This is the time slot? 3:30 in the morning? You're targeting single men that can't sleep? What good is "enhancement" for someone who ain't gonna use it? It's like advertising Levi's to the Amish or OroWheat Bread to a Cylliac. While you're at it, advertise diapers to the infertile that have been prohibited by the courts to adopt.

Moving along, in my smooth transition style, to one of my all time favorite movies. Monty Python and the holy Grail. To quote Dennis, "I'm 37, I'm not old"

Advertisements I would like to see:

A) A pill that makes excessively, chronically hairy people become the exact opposite. You know the people I'm talking about. The ones that look like they have insects legs poking out of the tops of their shirts... on their backs! Usually, this person is a recently captured member of Al Qaeda or an individual that is on vacation here in San Diego from some remote location. Maybe I'm the one with the problem, but the hair shirt is odd and arm hair that can be combed belongs in the deep recesses of the Pacific Northwest and Ft Benning , GA. (if you're keeping up with this, you know of what I refer to)

B) The old cereal commercials. They were awesome. Cereal is awesome. It needs no more explanation

C)A bad breath detector that you can wear like a necklace. If you encounter bad breath, an alarm goes off. Therefore, it's not like you're telling someone they have bad breath-which can be very uncomfortable to do- it would be the device. And the person couldn't argue with the technology. Usually, the first sign of someone that doesn't brush their teeth is them licking their teeth when the subject of brushing said teeth is brought up.

D)A "You ain't gonna like this" warning device. A device you can program to know what your likes and dislikes are. So when you come across a foreign food or a foreign film, for that matter, or the Lifetime network, it will go off and warn you. So that you don't have to lose that part of your life. Just don't keep it on your person when entering certain places like the DMV, or a Rob Schneider movie, as this is already a given.

Thank you for bearing through my sleepless ramblings. As always, take with a grain of salt and lighten up, will ya? :-)

For some more hilarious musings, check out my friend, Comedian Rajan Dharni, at

P.S. If you stare at his picture, you'll notice his beard growing.

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